HULK HOGAN
"I’m the Andrew Wyeth of Whoopass,…by the time I’m done with you,
you’ll be like that Christina's World painting...
lying in a field looking back at the house, wondering how the hell you got out there,
why your face hurts, and where your underwear went! "

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DR. PHIL
"Now, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge…and you need to define your authentic self…and so, you need to acknowledge that your authentic self is a whiny, mumbling, homo cowboy. "

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BRIAN WILSON
"Hi, I'm Brian Wilson...how are you...I'm fine."

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OMAR MINAYA
"What a pleasure to be here, on MSNBC, the loss leader for G.E.
Universal. What the hell am I doing here? I used to have some
self-respect. Now I’m on the floor of what looks like the Newsroom
version of Costco…with T.V. Monitors instead of stacks of cases of Dog
Food and Paper Towels. "

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PAUL McCARTNEY
Paul McCartney on Yoko Ono:
"I haven’t seen much of her since she started running North Korea. I
mean, she really is Kim Jong Il without all the charm, isn’t she?
She actually thinks she’s a songwriter…but I mean ‘Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss
Me Now.’ Isn’t exactly ‘Eleanor Rigby’, y’know? I mean, she opens her
mouth and you want to just open a vein."

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CAMILLA PARKER BOWLES
"Helllloooooo! How lovely to be here at MSNBC, the media equivalent
of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. What a bustling operation, so many
camera people milling about, feverishly attempting to achieve some kind
of soft focus effect for the Imus close-ups…wondering to themselves why
they weren’t chosen for that cushy gig shooting B-Roll of the famine in
Somalia."

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